


we are vain and we are blind

by psycheDahlia



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Clothes Ripping, Drunk Sex, Dry Humping, Exhibitionism, Frottage, M/M, Non-Consensual Voyeurism, Not RPF, The Gang Gets Stranded In The Woods, Wrestling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-04
Updated: 2018-04-04
Packaged: 2019-04-18 13:04:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14213760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/psycheDahlia/pseuds/psycheDahlia
Summary: “Seriously? Dude, you’re trying to get Chase Utley to fuck you in the ass, man. You gotta drop the straight guy schtick.”“Sexuality is fluid!” Dennis snaps, “and you of all people should know that! Or are you going to claim it was someone else with me in the ceramics room during the senior lock-in?”The air goes kind of still. They...don’t usually talk about that.(Written forAlways Sunny Rarepairs Two: Electric Boogaloo)





	we are vain and we are blind

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by Anonymous in the [SunnyRarePairs2](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/SunnyRarePairs2) collection. 



> title from "Psycho Killer" by Talking Heads
> 
> **IMPORTANT NOTE: For the purposes of this fic, Chase Utley and Ryan Howard are not intended to represent those actual public figures but assumed to be unique fictional characters in the Always Sunny In Philadelphia canon, with entirely separate personas from the actors who play them and for whom they’re named for. I’m not at all familiar with these people (or sports in general, to be honest) and any similarities to their actual personalities or lives are coincidental. **
> 
> Prompt:  
> During "The Gang Gets Stranded in the Woods," Dennis sadistically decides to hook up with Chase Utley, doing all the things to Chase that (Dennis imagines) Mac would like to do to Chase. Up to you whether Chase Utley actually reciprocates Dennis's advances, or if Dennis and Charlie just end up drunkenly messing around with each other, oblivious to the fact that Chase hightailed it out of there long ago.

The room has that distinct...college lecture hall, dentists office, old office building sort of smell. It’s itching at Dennis’s nose. He kind of wants to leave. He kind of isn’t sure he ever wanted to be here in the first place, that he just got tricked into thinking he wanted to be here by the sudden availability of alcohol so shortly after the numerous events that day that had led him to so desperately want a drink.

Dennis knocks back the rest of a glass of red wine and seeks out another while recounting his day in his head, somewhat unintentionally; his drunk mind is wandering all over the place but something in him clings to the idea of drawing up all the memories of the day like someone pulled the plug out of his brain.

He raises his eyebrows and grabs another two glasses of wine off a passing server (oops, that server looks unduly pissed, that may have not been a server - whatever, Chase seems to be handling it) and downs half the glass in a gulp. Jesus. He’s more than had a rough day. He’s lucky to be fucking _alive_.

“Holy shit, did you see that, Dennis?” Charlie cries, grabbing Dennis’s arm, causing Dennis to spill the topmost inch of wine from each glass onto the outdated carpet, framing the two of them in twin splatters.

“See what, Charlie?” Dennis asks wearily, setting the glasses of wine down on the bar before the dribbles of wine can reach his hands.

“That guy just mashed those four rings together like a goddamn magic man!” Charlie makes his forefinger and thumb on each hand into a circle and then mashes them together while not allowing them to yield, staring at the unbroken rings bewildered. “How? How did he…? How?!”

Dennis reaches over gently and slightly separates Charlie’s fingers on the one hand, then, cradling the backs of each of Charlie’s hands in his palms, guides Charlie’s hands until the two “rings” are linked.

“That’s not how he did it, though,” Charlie says.

“I guarantee you, buddy,” Dennis rests a hand on his shoulder. “It is.”

“Yeah, well,” Charlie says, mouth puckering like he’s been offended personally. Dennis doesn’t _think_ he has; sometimes he hurts Charlie’s feelings without meaning to, but Charlie usually likes when Dennis explains things to him. Right now, though, Charlie is drunk and even to sober Charlie, Dennis supposes the legitimacy of party magicians might be the sort of thing Charlie would take seriously. Dennis rolls his eyes but digs his hand into his pocket.

“Let me show you a real magic trick, since that guy ripped you off,” Dennis offers.

“Oooh,” Charlie agrees. “Okay, go for it.”

Dennis turns to Chase, who is chatting amicably with the “server” behind him, and turns him away from the woman, whose distractingly bright lipstick twists into a frown.

“Hey, you’re not getting paid to frown,” Dennis scolds her.

“I’m not getting paid at all!” the server protests. “I don’t work here!”

“Get out of here!” Charlie barks. “Get out of here, lady!” He shoos her, directly in her face, so aggressively that she ultimately throws up her hands and walks away.

Chase makes a move to grab her or go after her or something, but ultimately sighs, “What do you want, Mac?”

Oh, right, he’s supposed to be Mac. He’d forgotten about that like six drinks ago. “Hey, man, take a look behind your ear.”

Chase glances over his shoulder. “Wha…? My own ear?”

Dennis rolls his eyes. “I mean...let me get that thing behind your ear, buddy.”

Chase scrambles behind his own ear. “What is it? Just tell me…”

Dennis smoothly pops the quarter out from his sleeve and into his fingers, presenting it in Chase’s face. Chase glances around in confused anger, like he’s looking for a camera.

“It’s a coin, Chase Utley!” Charlie beams excitedly over Dennis’s shoulder. “That was way cool, Dennis! Here, let me try!” Charlie bounds away over to Ryan, who immediately puts his hands up like he doesn’t want Charlie to touch him.

Chase snorts, smoothing his jacket out. “Alright, sure, man. Here, let me do you.” Chase strikes a dramatic pose, flourishing his hands around wildlly with fingers spread wide. “Ready?” Chase asks.

“Sure,” Dennis says, acutely aware of Chase drawing sudden attention to them. “Uh, g-go for it, man.”

Chase reaches behind Dennis’s ear, then draws back just barely into Dennis’s line of vision to show his hand is empty. “Aw, man, no coin. Wonder why that is.”

Chase moves his hand just slightly and he’s cupping Dennis’s jaw. Dennis feels a strange but definite change in the air around them. Suddenly Dennis’s heart is beating a little bit faster.

But then Chase just smirks in Dennis’s face. “Probably because you’re not eight years old anymore, and neither am I. Right? And that shit ain’t cute, nor funny, at any age past eight. You’re aware I’m not eight, aren’t you?”

Dennis swallows. “I...am aware you are not eight, yes.”

Chase’s smirk changes to a condescending smile. He pats Dennis’s cheek, then turns and walks away.

“Jesus Christ,” Dennis whispers.

Ryan, seemingly as an excuse to get away from Charlie, follows Chase, jogging to catch up to where Chase is already halfway across the room and refusing to slow down to let him catch up.

Charlie shows back up at Dennis’s elbow. He may have been there for a pretty long time, because he pipes up, “Man, that guy must really hate magicians. Don’t take it too personally, Dennis, you know I hear it’s the third most hated profession, right after airplane stewardess and Mafia-witch.”

Dennis can’t tear his eyes away from Chase’s retreating form. “I wanna fuck Chase Utley,” Dennis says.

Charlie snorts. “Really?”

That gets Dennis’s attention. He whirls on Charlie, fuming. “Do you have a problem with that, Charlie?”  
  
Eyes wide, Charlie raises his hands. “I…? Me? No, man. Come on, you know I’m not...no!”

“So what’s with the ‘really?’” Dennis asks, imitating Charlie by pitching up his voice and scrunching up his nose.

Charlie laughs. “Cuz you sound just like Mac, man!” His face softens. “Aw, come on, you can’t do that to Mac, man, he’d kill you.”

“Oh, fuck Mac, man, do you know what he did the other day? The ESPN Body Issue shows up in the mail, Mac goddamn burns it. Something about protesting sports ‘turning gay’.”  Dennis says, imitating Mac by pitching down his voice and raising his arms in an imitation of grossly oversized shoulders.

“Oh come on, that’s not so bad,” Charlie says. “Just go buy another copy of the magazine, maybe demand he give you the money, but…”

“Not,” Dennis interrupts, “just the magazine, Charlie. He burned _all_ the mail. Bills, letters from dying relatives, I don’t know what. I literally _do not know what_ , because he burned all of it in the hallway before I could even see it.”

“Wait, in the hallway?” Charlie echoes.

“Oh yeah,” Dennis says, nodding emphatically. “Yup. Right on the floor of the hallway, just outside our apartment door. Said he didn’t want to bring the gay all the way into the apartment. Our landlord hasn’t seen it yet, because we live in a shithole, but once she notices I’m sure that cleaning bill is going to be _astronomical_.”

“Jesus,” Charlie says. “Alright, man, I’ll give you that one. That’s pretty bad.”

“Oh that’s not even the best part,” Dennis says. “No, the best part is that I found the Body Issue hidden beneath the cushions of the couch later that night.”

“No!” Charlie cries, mouth open, feigning shock but the corners twitching up and betraying his true reaction as being absolutely thrilled by the twist. “He didn’t!”

“It was so sticky, Charlie,” Dennis says, his voice slightly wavering. “It was like he’d doused it in maple syrup.”

"But it wasn't maple syrup?"  
  
"It was rather distinctly _not_." 

They both stood there in silence for a moment.

“I don’t think you should fuck Chase Utley,” Charlie says.

“Really?” Dennis cries. “After all that, you…”

Charlie shushes him by putting up a finger. “I don’t think you should fuck Chase Utley. I think you should ‘have a catch’ with Chase Utley,” Charlie’s imitation of Mac seems to indicate that Mac is a crocodile with a hunchback, because Charlie is not good at impressions sober, let alone drunk and, if this place keeps cleaning fluid in an unlocked location, very likely high.

“And then,” Charlie grins. “ _Then_ you should fuck Chase Utley.”

“There we go,” Dennis says, “now you’re…”

“And then,” Charlie continues, “you send a picture of Chase Utley, all naked and covered in _your_ maple syrup, and you send it to Mac, and you ask him that you came _all over_ Chase Utley just like Mac and the…”

“The Body Issue,” Dennis whispers.

Charlie taps Dennis on the chest. “The goddamn ESPN Body Issue.”

Dennis’s jaw drops. “Charlie! Oh, that is…” Dennis’s knees almost give out as he dips to throw an arm around the much-shorter Charlie’s shoulders. “That is _amazing_!”

“And then we light Chase Utley on fire!” Charlie cries. “And then we burn Chase Utley to the ground! Just like the mail! It all comes full circle!”

Dennis frowns, withdrawing his arm from Charlie’s shoulders. “No, Charlie. No. We’re not going to burn Chase Utley.”

Charlie shrugs. “Eh. I got the first part right.”

//  
  
“Wrestling is kinda like fighting,” Charlie says, “like how cats are like dragons. The difference is the danger.”

“No, Charlie, _no_ ,” Dennis says, shaking his head in Charlie’s general direction without opening his eyes. “Those two things are much more...farther...apart, when you consider...you know, stuff.”

“I do know stuff,” Charlie agrees. “Let’s go swimming. Where’s the pool, Chase Utley?”  
  
Ryan disappeared somewhere between “watch us wrestle” and now, Dennis vaguely remembers a half-formed excuse of grabbing something from his hotel room, but Chase is still sitting there, watching them from the pair of chairs Charlie had drunkenly deemed “the audience room.” Chase's expression is precariously teetering on the edge between amused and annoyed.

“This hotel doesn’t have a pool,” Chase replies. “It’s just a conference center.”

“That should be illegal,” Charlie whines.

Chase quirks an eyebrow at that. “Hm. Well, that strikes me as somewhat harsh. What’s your basis for that line of thinking?”

“Where am I supposed to _swim_ , Chase Utley?!” Charlie demands. “That’s a _problem_ with no _error_!”

“Genuinely unsure of how to respond to that,” Chase answers coolly, glancing at Dennis. “Do you…? Can you…?”

“Relax, Charlie,” Dennis says. He goes to rub Charlie’s shoulders to soothe him the way he has before, but Charlie is full-bodily wrapped around his midsection like an incorrectly placed scarf and Dennis can only reach one of them. “C’mon, didn’t you wanna wrestle?”

Charlie leans back, sloping onto the floor as he wraps his arm around Dennis’s neck. Dennis doesn’t have time to process what Charlie’s about to do before he’s grunting as Charlie uses his neck as a brace to swing himself into Dennis. He manages to gain enough momentum in a couple inches to smack into his side with a downright _painful_ amount of force, not quite toppling Dennis to the floor but he only just barely manages to catch himself by smacking a palm to the lino and bracing himself, casting Charlie a wearied stare.

“We’re not fighting for real! Cats and dragons, remember, Charlie?” Dennis scolds.

“The danger,” Charlie dutifully finishes for him, mouth twisting into the annoyed-guilty expression of a scolded child. “Sorry. Forgot.”

Chase glances down at his beer bottle, shaking it slightly. “I’m empty, lads. I’m, uh, assuming you want…?”

“I'd say another fifteen apiece,” Dennis says.

Chase comes to a dead stop. “Did you say fifteen?”

“That’s right,” Dennis nods. “Or, well, thirty beers. Oh, plus your…?”

“One.”  
  
“One?” Dennis asks. Chase nods once. “Alrighty then. So thirty-one beers total, I guess is the answer, as I figured out for the sake of complete clarity as a favor to you.”

“Right,” Chase says. “Well, it might take me a minute to figure out a way to find, open, and carry thirty-one beers, but I’ll be back just as soon as I can.”

“Make two of mine light?” Dennis asks. “And about half of them a draft beer, perhaps?”

Chase tosses his hands up without looking back. “Might as well, at this point!”

“You can surprise me on the fourth, eighth, and fourteenth!” Dennis calls as Chase disappears from sight. “I’m really easygoing on my quad-numbered beers!”

“Am I drunk,” Charlie asks, “or are you being like extra bastard to Chase Utley right now?”

“I’m not just being ‘extra bastard’ to Chase, Charlie, I needed Chase to leave for an extra- _long_ , time,” Dennis frowns. That joke wasn’t really as much of a joke as he thought it would be when he thought of it. “Just, so I could talk to you about something.”

“About anything?” Charlie asks, perking up. “Because I’ve been thinking a lot about iguanas, lately, and Mexican radio, and walls of voodoo…”

“What in the absolute Jesus _shit_ ,” Dennis mutters. “No, Charlie. I think now is a good time to try and show off my body to Chase Utley, you know, show the goods a bit to try and get him to fuck me.”

“You want _him_ to fuck _you_?” Charlie echoes. “That’s funny, I always pictured you as a top.”

“Bypassing the fact that you _picture me_ as anything,” Dennis says, earning a blush out of Charlie, “I’m deciding I’m throwing myself fully into this whole ‘Mac revenge’ angle, and to really rub his nose in it, I need to do it exactly how Mac would want to. And I know Mac’s a bottom.”

“And you snub me for saying I just _saw_ you as a top,” Charlie retorts. “How do you _know_ Mac’s a bottom but I can’t _picture_ you as a top?”

Dennis rolls his eyes. “Okay, because first of all, Mac is an actual gay man.”

“Seriously? Dude, you’re trying to get Chase Utley to fuck you in the ass, man. You gotta drop the straight guy schtick.”

“Sexuality is fluid!” Dennis snaps, “and you of all people should know that! Or are you going to claim it was someone _else_ with me in the ceramics room during the senior lock-in?”

The air goes kind of still. They...don’t usually talk about that.

Or about the months of flirting that led up to it.

Or the fact that they’d hooked up a few times since then.  
  
They sit on the ground in silence for a moment, staring into each other’s eyes and breathing each other’s breath. The stuffy office smell isn’t the only thing making the air feel heavy.

“Alright!” Chase calls from the entryway, fake-enthusiasm drenching his voice, startling them apart. “I got us nine Coors, because nine is all I could carry and for some reason Coors was literally all they had!”

“Shit,” Dennis mutters.

“What? I like Coors.”  
  
“Everyone likes Coors, Charlie, that’s not the fucking point,” Dennis mutters. “I meant to come up with a plan before he got back, that’s the whole point I sent him away!”

“Oh.” Charlie bites his lip and shrugs. “Uh, oops?”

“Yeah, oops,” Dennis sighs out his nose. “Look. Just...while we’re wrestling, try and make me look good, okay? Make it look kind of...sexually charged, so it lets Chase know that I’d look really good if he fucked me.”

“Only caught the last three words of that and do _not_ want to know the rest!” Chase laughs as he sits down. “Nope, actually, changed my mind, I have to know. What?”

Dennis smiles at him. “Oh, you know. The bank fucked me with...fees and whatnot. Hey, but don’t be stingy! Why don’t you pass a couple of those beers our way, fella?”

Charlie takes the beers from Chase and goes to hand Dennis one, but instead Dennis tackles Charlie, spilling both beers out onto the floor as Charlie goes flat on his back with a soft “Oomph!”

“Of course,” Chase mutters, moving his feet to avoid the beer puddle. “Why not?”

“That’s why you should’ve gotten us more beers, Chase!” Dennis laughs, straddling Charlie’s hips and pinning his arms down.

“Glad I didn’t!” Chase says. “The ones you made me carry back here only to spill on the floor were really my limit!”

His tone is blatantly unkind but Dennis smiles his warmest smile anyway. “I’m truly sorry if our wrestling got a little out of hand. It’s very unlike me, because, you might not know this about me Chase, but I actually know a lot about wrestling.”

“Mm,” Chase replies. “That’s pretty cool. You might not know this about me, but I actually know an awful lot about baseball.” He smiles at his own joke.

“Ha!” Charlie shouts from the floor. “Cuz he’s a baseball player! You’re a funny man, Chase Utley.”

“You really do not have to continually call me by my full name,” Chase informs him.

“Yeah, I know a lot about wrestling. Like for one thing, his outfit,” Dennis gestures to Charlie, “is all wrong. This would get you absolutely killed in wrestling.”

“That makes total sense,” Charlie agrees, pulling off his tie.

“That actually makes _zero_ sense,” Chase pipes in. “How would an outfit get you killed in a nonlethal…?”

Dennis releases Charlie’s wrists and gets Charlie’s jacket off his shoulders. “There. See? That’s far more conducive for wrestling.”

Charlie takes advantage of his now-freed hands and tugs Dennis’s tie off. “We should probably match, though, right? We are a team.”

“Well,” Dennis says. “I don’t know that I’d be wrestling you if we were teammates, Charlie, but there is actually some truth to what you’re saying. You’re actually not entirely wrong. One of the most important parts of wrestling is actually to make sure you’re making your opponent look good. Particularly if you’re the heel, like my little Charlie is here.”

“I’m his little heel, so it’s my job to make him look good!” Charlie agrees. “Like, uh, I could say hey, Dennis, since I’m your heel and you’re my toe…”

“Face,” Dennis corrects.

“Face,” Charlie repeats. “Since I’m your little Charlie and you’re my face, it’s my job to know that you have some fabulous chest hair underneath that shirt.”

“Why thank you, Charlie,” Dennis grins. “I do have some fabulous chest hair underneath this shirt.”

“But,” Charlie continues. “What’s the point of having it if the shirt is covering it all up, man? Let that stuff out.”

“Good point, Charlie,” Dennis replies. “I should show it off, right?”

“You should show it off,” Charlie echoes, and Dennis undoes the top few buttons of his shirt. Charlie tuts like an anal-retentive hairdresser and pulls the fabric further apart, exposing his chest more fully. Dennis feels the material go dangerously taught against his skin, close to ripping, and his breath hitches.

“B-but it’s also my job to make you look good,” Dennis says, then clears his throat and meets Chase’s eyes. “To make him look good, I mean.”

“Really?” Charlie asks. Dennis’s gaze shoots down to glare at him. “I mean, ooh, yeah, really...he really...know what he’s talking about,  Dennis does.”

“Why's he keep calling you Dennis?” Chase repeats, narrowing his eyes. “Hang on, wait a minute, I thought your name was…”

“Dennis McDonald, Mac for short,” Dennis replies, lies flying from his mouth as he tries to shoot lasers into Charlie’s for blowing their cover.

“Heh,” Charlie snickers. “As if you and Mac weren’t married enough.”

Dennis snarls and grabs hold of the nearest thing he can grab, which happens to be Charlie’s shirt. He grabs hold of it and uses it to slam Charlie backwards against the floor, not so hard the kid sees stars (cats and dragons, after all) but hard enough to knock the wind out of him.

“Just saying,” Charlie says, and there’s something about the cocky way he says it that makes Dennis just wanna rip, and Charlie’s shirt is still in his hands, and he’s flashing back to years and years back, when he had halfheartedly told Charlie to take off his shirt to learn fighting, and Charlie had adamantly refused to for no good reason, which made Dennis just want it really bad because like it wasn't a big deal and now he was making it a big deal, making it something he had to think about, and the next thing he knew he was still thinking about how Charlie should’ve had his shirt off, and rubbing Charlie’s shoulders thinking about how if Charlie had taken his shirt off he’d be rubbing Charlie’s bare skin, and Charlie had started making these noises, and he remembers how badly he’d just wanted to take his hands, which had been smoothing soothing pressure into Charlie’s skin, and Charlie wore his shirts for so many years the fabric had all but worn down to tissue paper, and he wanted to just grab Charlie’s shirt with his hands and see it he couldn’t just tear it right off his body, but he didn't, and he’d been drinking then, and he was drinking now…

It’s not until he hears the buttons pinging off the metal legs of the chairs that he realizes what he just did. Chase and Charlie both gasp at the same time, in the same register, so that if he didn’t watch Chase’s mouth go open and his eyebrows and shoulders both jump, right at the same time that he could feel Charlie’s lungs expand beneath his fingers as he stares down at Charlie’s now-bared chest, he might’ve thought it was just one of them.

Charlie is flushed and staring. “Jesus Christ, dude, what was that for?”

Buzzing with nervous energy, Dennis grins. “Well it’s just like I said, Charlie, it’s my job to make you look good, too. You’ve got to make your heel look good, too.”

Dennis rakes his eyes over Charlie’s booze-flushed cheeks, his bloodshot and glassy eyes, his blown pupils. Drinks in the way Charlie’s hips are still trapped beneath Dennis’s, the way the zipper of Dennis's suit pants is only inches away from touching the trail of soft hair between Charlie’s navel and the identical zipper of his identical suit pants.

“Doesn’t he look good, Chase?” Dennis asks, not looking away from Charlie.

“I’m at a literal loss for words, right now,” Chase replies. Dennis kind of is too, but Chase’s tone seems to imply he means it in a different sort of way.

“I know what I think,” Dennis says. “I think you’ve never looked better.”

Charlie’s breath hitches. Dennis grins.

Charlie smirks. “You sure, Dennis? Not even in the ceramics room?”

Dennis’s breath hitches. Charlie grins.

“Goddamnit, Charlie,” Dennis mutters, and then grabs him by the hair and kisses him.

He’s pretty sure Chase says something about it, but frankly he couldn’t care less, because kissing Charlie is the same every time Dennis has done it, and every time Dennis does it he wonders why he doesn’t do it more often because every time Dennis winds up kissing Charlie it winds up being goddamn _incredible_.

Some people just have innate sexual skill. Dennis likes to think he’s one of those people, but in actuality he’s spent hours refining his technique, watched porn to learn new tricks and playtested them on various women. He’s slept with absolutely repulsive women just because he thought they might teach him something new.

But Charlie, Charlie seems to just stumble in, about as non-sober as a person can be when they’re not in the middle of a brain death, and put his mouth or hands on you in a way that made you feel, well, probably about as euphoric as Charlie did after he put all the substances into his body that he did on a daily basis. But with probably more boners.

Charlie eventually, regrettably, pushes him away. “You’re gonna freak him out, dude,” Charlie says, pointing to Chase by darting his eyes over to him rapidly a couple times. “You gotta stop making out with me.”

Charlie’s right, but Dennis feels a little spurned anyway. Or at least he would, if he didn’t feel Charlie’s cock suddenly poking him right in the juncture where his thigh meets his hip.

“You’re right, Charlie,” Dennis says. “I should stop making out with you and try something else.”

Dennis turns his gaze to Chase, who is staring pointedly up at the ceiling and singing along to the song playing over the speakers, but replacing all the words with ‘please stop.’

“Haha! Sorry, Chase! You know how it gets when you get a little buzzed with a good friend, right buddy?” Dennis calls.

Chase lowers his eyes back down to them, seemingly reluctantly. “I admittedly do not,” Chase replies. “Are you two done, uh…”

“Yeah, we’re all sorted out now, buddy!” Charlie says, grinning. Chase winces. “Not like that, I mean we didn’t come on each other yet or anything…”

“Haha!” Dennis more shouts than laughs, glaring at Charlie. “We don’t come on each other. We’ve never come on each other. That’s not...we’re not. No. Uh, we do pin each other, though, from time to time, like wrestlers do. Here, let me show you a few pins, Chase!”

Grabbing Charlie’s hands, Dennis pulls him up so they’re chest-to-chest. Charlie gasps. Dennis grabs each of Charlie’s legs and throws them over his own, so their legs are locked.

“Say he’s got you in this position,” Dennis says.

“That seems like a highly unlikely position in wrestling,” Chase replies, “but sure. He’s got you in that position.”

“All you have to do,” Dennis says, “is lean into him, like this,” Dennis presses his body, and thus his cock, harder against Charlie’s. Charlie squeaks. “And then just ease him down onto the mat, like so.” Dennis presses Charlie’s body down to the floor with his own. They’re pressed up against each other so tight it’s almost painful. Charlie squeezes his eyes closed and opens his mouth like he’s going to make some noise but doesn’t have the air in his chest to produce it. Dennis feels his heartbeat in his cock, blood rushing in his ears.

He sits back up.

“Did you get that?” Dennis asks.

“Yes,” Chase replies.

“Show him again,” Charlie breathes. “M-maybe show him a couple times.”

“I do not need to see it again.”

“I’ll show you again,” Dennis says, voice chipper. “Lean into him…”

“Ah…”

“Ease him down…”  
  
“Mmm…”

The sound of heavy breathing fills the room.

“You are going to crush each other’s lungs,” Chase warns. “Get up.”

“Right, well then let me show you this one,” Dennis offers as he sits back up. He’s out of breath. Charlie’s bare chest is getting sweaty. “This time you lean into him…”

“Ohhh, Dennis…”

“And you ease him...down…”

“That’s the same exact move. Oh, god, I can see Frank’s face turning red. Get off him, Mac!”

“Another move?” They haven’t fully separated from last time. “If you insist! So this time, you lean into him…”

“Jesus Dennis, I swear…” Charlie’s face is scrunched up tight. “One more time and I’m gonna…”

“Are you fighting over there?” Ryan asks, walking back into the room. His booming voice sounds amused. “You guys are out of control!”

“I’m honestly not sure if they’re fighting or fucking,” Chase remarks as Ryan sits back down.

“Oh come on, they’re fighting,” Ryan says firmly, leaning back to look from a different angle. “This is weird enough without you being perverted about it.”

“Perverted, nothing,” Chase insists, turning around and looking affronted. “Hey, you were _gone_ , man. You didn’t see what I saw.”

Dennis is distracted from their conversation as Charlie leans up and bites him, and Dennis feels the dual sensations of dull pain from an old bruise and the new sting of a forming hickey, and realizes that Charlie is marking him right on top of the hickey he’d shown him earlier. Dennis knows, he just knows, his mind is going to be rolling that thought around in his head like a fucking marble for weeks to come, but he’s distracted from it for now when Charlie leans back and the look in his eyes is conspiratorial.

“Now he knows which,” Charlie mutters. Dennis swallows. Fighting or fucking. Now he knows which. _Jesus Christ._

“You dipshit, if you freak out Ryan he’ll make Chase leave and I won’t get what I really want,” Dennis says, tone mean but not convincing, cracking on the word ‘really’ and going breathy on ’want.’ Charlie smirks. “C’mon. Stop smiling like an asshole and wrestle me.”

“I’m pretty sure that guy just showed me the same wrestling move four times in a row as an excuse to hump that guy,” Chase is explaining, “and then that guy’s face is like, he’s about to come in his pants, and…”

Dennis bursts into loud, obnoxious laughter, manhandling Charlie into a more G-rated position. Charlie follows suit, also bursting into loud and obnoxious laughter and manhandling Dennis right back.

It appears to get their attention, at least. Chase quiets down and just watches them with a stoic expression, while Ryan stares on in confused horror.

“Guys, guys!” Ryan calls out. “Calm down! You’re gonna hurt each other!”

Dennis rolls his eyes but obediently lets Charlie go, sitting up on his knees.

Again, Charlie does the same, rubbing his neck where Dennis may have choked him a bit too legitimately. “Nah, we’re good, man…”

“I just saw you bite that dude!” Ryan remarks.

They both blush, exchanging glances. Charlie begins trying to fumble out excuses. Dennis tries the same but finds that he can’t come up with anything reasonable other than the truth, which sounds even less reasonable than any explanation, so Dennis lets himself fall forward, laughing into the garish carpeting.

“Yeah,” Charlie admits, laughing softly. “Yeah, I do like to bite him a little bit.”

The next few moments happen all too quickly. Just as Dennis feared, Ryan’s presence is enough to spook Chase completely, and before Dennis knows it, Ryan and Chase are completely out the door.

Dennis has the urge to sulk, but he catches Charlie’s eye and they both burst into laughter again, laughing so hard they can barely stand.

“It’s been a hell of a night, man,” Dennis says.

“Hell of a night,” Charlie agrees.

“Hey,” Dennis says, “how much money do we got left?”

“Ten thousand bucks,” Charlie says quickly, then pauses and laughs like he can’t believe it, like he never thought he’d have that much money.

“I got an idea how we can spend that shit,” Dennis tells him.

“Oh yeah?” Charlie asks. “How?”

“I’m gonna get a private jet,” Dennis says.

Charlie nods appreciatively. “Alright, man, yeah, do that shit.”

Dennis pulls Charlie in by the shirttails. “And then,” he breathes into Charlie’s ear, “I’m gonna top you in it, just like you pictured.”

Charlie looks startled for a moment, but then smiles. “Alright, man. Sure.” His smile grows bigger. “Word of the day is yes.”

“Yeah it is, Charlie,” Dennis replies. “Yes.”

**Author's Note:**

> i almost wrote the smut on the plane but this is so long and rambling already. maybe i'll write it and post it as a chapter two sometime, meh.
> 
> if you missed it the first time around, **IMPORTANT NOTE: For the purposes of this fic, Chase Utley and Ryan Howard are not intended to represent those actual public figures but assumed to be unique fictional characters in the Always Sunny In Philadelphia canon, with entirely separate personas from the actors who play them and for whom they’re named for. I’m not at all familiar with these people (or sports in general, to be honest) and any similarities to their actual personalities or lives are coincidental. **
> 
> i threw in so many stupid references to other episodes and just other random shit in here its not even funny, if you caught them let me know i ain't slick haha
> 
>  
> 
> also if you read this please leave a comment! your comments mean so much to me <3
> 
> (find me on tumblr: psychedelic-iridescent.tumblr.com)


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